Dear 2014...

January 4, 2015

2013 was the worst year of my life, and so it made the start of 2014 a bit rocky. Let me break it down for you.

In 2013, I lost who I thought was the love of my life. Let's call him "The Problem". He didn't want me anymore and threw me out of his life like yesterday's trash. I was utterly heartbroken and I felt stranded. Alone. Broken. I found myself crying more than I was smiling and I thought that there was something wrong with me.

So from that moment, I knew I had to make 2014 the best year of my life. It was hard and required a lot of work, but it paid off. I got accepted into my second major in college and I got accepted to study abroad in London over the summer. MOTHER FREAKING LONDON FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I also decided to start a YouTube channel and venture into this part of my life. I was actually feeling happy for once. I was smiling more and I had a better attitude.

After I got back from London, I noticed that even though I was acting happy, I still was broken a bit on the inside. I was on top of the world, and in my favorite city, but I still couldn't stop thinking and talking about The Problem. I was on the other side of the world, but for some reason, I would find ways to bring him up in conversations. I was a possessed woman. 

The time I spent in London was some of my most valuable time that I ever spent. I learned so much about myself that I didn't even know. For example, I was still in love with a ghost. It wasn't The Problem that I was in love with, it was our memories. It was my idea of him and what we had that I was so hung up on. I knew that I had to work on coming to terms that this relationship was over and there was no going back. He was never going to change and I needed to move on for good.

So when I got back to The States, I made a mission to improve myself. I got closer to God and to myself and took some time to really reflect on what I wanted in life and what I truly deserved. I knew that I did not need any love interest or any sort of relationships going on in my life. I didn't need to be distracted from improving myself. I knew that it wasn't fair to anyone for me to dive head first into another relationship when I was still getting over an old one. After I accepted that, I became so much happier. I had stopped crying myself to sleep and stopped thinking about The Problem in general. By the end of October, it had got to the point where I would run into him and I would look at him and feel nothing.

Do I have full closure? No. I'm okay with that? Yes. Am I 100% moved on? Almost. I had spent so many years obsessing over someone who didn't spend a millisecond even thinking about me. I finally realized that in 2014. But if all of that had not happened, I would not be the strong, independent, beautiful woman that I am today. So thank you, 2014. I couldn't have done this without you.

Am I happy now? Finally. 


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