It's Time We Talked...

January 5, 2016

Hello. It's nice to see you again. Long time, no see, right? I'm not exactly sure how to even start this blog. Where do I even begin? Obviously it's been a while since I've written a blog post - 5 months to be exact. Yikes. What started out as just a month hiatus turned into me abandoning this poor blog for half of 2015. Part of me feels like I need to apologize, but the rest of me thinks it isn't needed at all.

The beginning of 2015 was great for me. I was having an amazing time: trips with my friends, I got to go to Vegas, I got an awesome job, and I was finally feeling happy. However, then my fall semester came around and things took quite a turn. I was stressed out more than ever. Not only did I ditch my blog, but I ditched my YouTube channel for longer than I ever had. My course work was piling up and I felt like I was drowning in papers. I took out on too many hours at work because I needed the money and I loved my job. I don't want to say I was depressed (because I was never clinically diagnosed), but I lost interest in a lot of things that I used to love, like dance and writing. I did get cast in a show at my university towards the end of the year, got to see Panic! at The Disco in concert, and landed an awesome internship for 2016 which all made me insanely happy, but I still felt empty. The stress I had in my life was suffocating me, and just when I came up for to surface to take a breath, my grandfather wound up in the hospital fighting for his life.

It's funny how you don't realize how much someone means to you until they are lying on a hospital bed in the ICU hooked up to all these machines fighting for their life. All my life I have always been close to my nana. I spent every summer with her and she became my best friend. My grandfather, however, I never got the chance to be as close to. Granted I was closer to him than any other grandfathers or uncles I had, but due to him traveling for work all the time while growing up and being such an quiet introvert, we never had much quality time together. I love him with all my heart and the thought of him dying in that hospital room, leaving my precious nana and mother, and missing my graduation, wedding, and all other important moments in my life to come, shattered me into a million pieces. It got so bad that I had to contact my Dean of Students in order to get excused from my classes while I went home for a couple of weeks. However, I couldn't let any of that pain show. I was the strong one in my family. I was the fighter. I was the one who had to stay calm while the doctors told us the news every morning. I was the rock that everyone wanted to lean on while I was crumbling away on the inside. I knew I had to pull myself together for my family. I never was one to cry in front of others anyways because I never wanted to appear weak in anyway.

The hardest part about this entire thing was my nana. I have come to terms with the possibility of his death. That's one thing I have never worried about because death is inevitable and I've grown comfortable with it. However, I worry so much about my nana. Although I come off strong, I feed off others emotions so much and I am super sensitive, so the stress my nana carried (and still does) and played a lot into my mental state. Even though I have come to terms with his possibility of death, I don't ever think she has. She has always been such an independent woman, but if we were to lose him, I don't know what would happen with her. That part is what scared me the most. She has friends, but not a support group like I do. I am extremely thankful to my friends who helped me get through this situation like Hannah, Emily, Summer, Caitlin, and Lauren. Everyday these girls would ask about him and my family and let me vent and cry when I needed to. I don't think any of them truly realize how much they each save me every single day, then and now. I owe my 2015 to them.

It's been a couple months now and he is out of the hospital. He hates doctors with a passion, so his check ups haven't been the easiest, not to mention trying to convince him that he needs a quadruple bypass. The man doesn't even believe that he had a heart attack and stroke - and I always wondered where I got my stubbornness from. We're slowly patching up the pieces. I have an easier semester this year, in fact it's actually my last semester of college ever. It's absolutely terrifying, yet extremely relieving. I'm so nervous and afraid of what I am going to do after college, but the fact that I don't know is also exciting. There are so many possibilities and I can't wait to see what comes of this year. My grandfather being in the hospital made me realize how much I shouldn't take my time for granted. I want to accomplish so much this year. I don't want to be terrified of my future anymore. I think it's time I became comfortable with the unexpected because 2015 proved how surprising the future can truly be.